Life Is Beautiful

People are just too stupid and ignorant on facebook. 

i no longer talk about any LGBTQ things anymore, whenever i do i get harassed a shit ton, to the point where i start crying and getting upset and i give up. 

i give up trying to explain to people my gender,

i dont even know how to explain it to myself

im just fucking sick of it. i just want to find myself……

Lauren or Colby?

He or She?

T or no T?

i just dont know what i want to do, who i want to be

i just need to take the first time that i know ill feel comfortable with. 

Top surgery…….  or getting a binder. 

i geuss at the moment…… a binder would be cheaper :\ why couldnt i have been born normal, 

in other countries if youre trans* you get the surgery for free because they believe that you were born into the wrong body so they need to fix it, and you shouldnt have to put up with being uncomfortable because of having no money.

i just need someone to get me through this…

My friend just shaved her head and donated it to cancer

One of my friends commented on it saying she looked like  a dude. I agreed with him.

Is getting a problem that gender roles arent programmed into my mind now. so saying someone kinda looks masculine because in the picture their wearing a sweatshirt and a shaved head. I said “you look like a guy it looks so cute!”

i geuss i dont think because if someone said that to me id be so happy….

fml ._.

and now she deleted me as a friend….what the fuck. o well, i wasnt that great friends with her anyway -.-

Im not exactly  bullied all the fucking time…

but there has been cases where people would drive by yelling  out the words “faggot” to me…or some of my friends

or i purposely get called the wrong pronouns and feel like crying  at lunch because no one knows how it fucking feels….

not knowing who you are, not knowing if you’re a girl or a boy, both or neither.

I hate it, i used to be called a faggot every day when i was in middle school. and it hurt so much to the point were i was dragging nails in my arms to bleed out the pain.

i have scars on my arms to this fucking day because of them.

Now im getting harassed by my gender.

im such a fucking freak in this school…no one wants to ask the Queer to Frolic or Prom. No girl wants to date me because im a girl. as much as i dont think i am.

im legit the only one in this school who GenderQueer….and maybe the one gay ….i only know of like…two people in the school who are gay

No GSA…. No pride things no GLBTQ groups around me…

the more i try to explain to them that i am a boy…the more they tell me “if you have a vagina, you’re a girl”

and get over it your a girl.

and the only way you’re going to prom with me is if you wwear a dress.

i cry each time i hear that. it hurts to know people dont wanna be seen with  a fucking queer

it hurts..it really fucking hurts the way people act around me

I’ve asked a few people if they wanted to go with be… but they all have an issue with me practically being Trans and wearing a suit ._.

Only one person noticed me almost crying at lunch today when everyone was harassing me…

I’m glad he asked me if i was ok…

and he’s actually respecting me by calling me by my preferred name and pronouns 

Today someone said to me, that they liked my blog, but they had one question. “What is Gender Queer?” Explaining it in person is kinda hard haha Its complicated to me about my gender.

To me I believe that you can be any gender you want. If you dont like something, change it. I dont like my Female born body, so i plan on changing it.

For example of my GQ: Sometimes im a guy, Sometimes im a girl, Soemtimes im both, Sometimes im neither. It all just depends on what i feel.

I could have a whole month of being a guy, then wake up and ask people to reffer to me with female pronouns.

Most of the time im reffered to with both Male and Female pronouns because i dont mind them. But soemtimes both pronouns irritate me. and teaching everyone the Gender Netrual Pronouns are a pain in the ass. plus i dont even know them all yet… i only know “Hir” and “Zie” havnt done a lot of reserch on it yet.

today im wearing make up for the first time in months. today Idk what im feeling, im not feeling like one gender, i know that.
Its to early to tell…its only 10:50am XD  but at the moment im feeling like fuck gender ima dress how i want!!

But being genderqueer isnt all about dress. Its about your body too…

This is what my perfect body would be/is like:

• I dont shave my legs/under arms
• I plan on getting top surgery and removing my nipples. [Its the uggliest part of the body!!]
• I want my voice to be much deeper.
• Im keeping my Vagina
• Keep my hair short.
• no facial hair

Im modifying my body so i can be more comfortable with it. at the moment i hate that i have the habit of crossing my legs….. most of the time i do it because its comfortable and im cold. so i do it to warm up XD but when im actaully tryign to pass as a guy, it sucks.

Worst part about being the only Homosexual Gender Queer in this school, is that ill have no one to go to prom with, and no girls will ask me to their frolic. Because everyone in this school is straight, sometimes i wish to be a normal guy so a beautiful girl can ask me to dance. It just wont happen… I only have one friend who can accept me the way i am. but she doesnt go to this school…..its boring when no one likes you in an all heterosexual school…its so boring

theres not enough gay kids to make a GSA in this god damned school…

I love Georgetown in all, the only thing that sucks about it is that theres no queer diversity…..

I am the diversity. And it sucks

so many random bumps, my chest never looks flat…. i need a real binder ;~;

cause wearing layers upon layers or sport bras, elastics pinching and pulling on my skin ,

really really sucks ._.

Lauren is slowly dissapearring…

and Colby is coming out 

Top Surgery has been on my mind lately

Im already a B32ish and i’ve always hated having a chest since i was a kid. I enjoy being a girl (sometimes) but i just HATE boobs….I wear a binder sometimes, meaning  i put elastics over my breasts to flatten them best i can. and wear heels so i can be slightly taller. i want a REAL binder but i dont have the money. nor do i have a debit card to buy one offline

but in the future.. top surgery…?

Yes or no?